Option D: None of the Above

There’s something I want to tell all of you, so I’ll get right to it:

I’m not exactly straight.

Now, that probably doesn’t really come as a huge surprise if you know me.  After all, I never talk about women.  Classic sign of being in the closet, right?

Except no, not gay, either.

I used to think that I was straight, but not very good at it.  After all, I had a girlfriend once.  Sort of.  And in the rare event that I’ve found people pleasing to look at, they’ve invariably been women.  I just never felt compelled to try to start a relationship with any of them, and if any of them ever tried to hit on me, I completely missed the signals.  I just figured I was shy or insecure or something.

Then, a couple of months ago, it suddenly struck me with total clarity that my perception of sex was completely different from anyone else I’d ever encountered.  The way other people describe sex and desire feels completely alien to me.  Everyone else seems to look at sex as one of the most important things in their lives, just after air, water and food, while I generally rate it somewhere far less important than remembering to leave home with a paperclip in my pocket.  Seriously.  I always leave home with a paperclip in my pocket, and if I ever happen to lose it, I always get a replacement right away, while I haven’t had sex in almost nine years and I don’t miss it at all.  When I looked at women, I didn’t imagine them naked, I imagined them playing Jeopardy.  I didn’t think about taking them to my bed, I thought about taking them on vacation and letting them drive.

By now, you’re probably confused.  I know I was.  Not straight, not gay, and it pretty much goes without saying, not bi.  So, what’s left?

Option D:  None of the Above.

It wasn’t shyness, it wasn’t insecurity, it wasn’t repressed homosexual tendencies, it wasn’t guilt.  I’m just not interested in sex, that’s all.

It’s called “asexuality”.  It’s sort of the fourth orientation, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality.  Straight people are attracted to members of the opposite sex, gays are attracted to the same sex, bi people are attracted to both, and aces aren’t attracted to anyone.

That sense of stunned disbelief you’re probably feeling right now ain’t got nothing on what I went through when I found out myself.  Gotta tell ya, it’s quite the experience to watch your entire life get rewritten by a single discovery.  You know those movies with the twist endings, where there’s some big unexpected reveal that completely changes EVERYTHING that had happened up to that point?  Yeah, my life did *that*.

Then again, if you know me, you’re probably not stunned at all.  You’re probably thinking something along the lines of “Really?  That’s it?  You’re just now figuring this out?  What took you so long?  I knew that YEARS ago…”  I mean, nothing changes at all.  I’m still me, just like I was last week or last year.  All this means is that I have a name for how I feel.

So anyway, there you have it.  If you think that I’m just making it up, I’m not.  It’s on Wikipedia, therefore it must be true:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

To my parents:  Sorry that you’re finding out about all of this in this impersonal way, but come on, you already knew.  I’m 31, I’ve only had one girlfriend, and I’m clearly more interested in my video game collection than women.  What did you think was going on?
To my brother (and sister-in-law):  Thanks for giving our parents some grandkids so I don’t have to.
To the ex-girlfriend:  Sorry for wasting your time and all that.  At least it wasn’t just you.
To my coworkers:  Be honest now…  There had to have been speculation going on.  Probably a betting pool, too.  Did anyone win?

I’ll be writing more on the topic in the days ahead, so I’ll probably end up addressing any questions you might have.